Talk to somebody!!!

(Advice I need to get better at following.)

My wedding is next month. We’re planning it and paying for everything ourselves, and so there’s been lots of logistical crap to figure out and a bunch of loose ends to tie up. The stress of it all PLUS normal stressors like work and life in general caught up to me [seemingly] out of nowhere. It hit me hard, friends. It hit me hard.

On top of all of the “to-dos” and general anxieties, I also had feelings of guilt. I’d been feeling like I’ve been an inattentive daughter/friend/sis/partner because my focus has been on this one big thing. My solution, of course, was to write all of this down. This practice usually suits me fine, but it just didn’t cut it. I did not feel better. I just felt alone and chaotic.

Photo by Blake Cheek

So, one day last week, I reached a sort-of boiling point and decided to call my mom. I cried into the phone and expressed everything to her. She calmly and lovingly told me that I needed to stop feeling guilty and that the people I love understand what I’ve got on my plate at this moment in time. She told me that what I felt was perfectly normal, temporary, and that I needed to stop being so hard on myself. At the end, she even added that from her point of view, I’ve been dealing extremely well with all of this wedding-related stress. (Bless her heart.)

A journal or list can’t say that kind of stuff to me. They can’t give me that type of attention and comfort. They can’t give me that additional point of view so clearly. I needed to hear all those things from someone I trust.

I’m not sure why, time and time again, I let myself forget how important it is to share what I’m feeling with others. I’m better at it than I used to be, but it’s still a work-in-progress situation. Perhaps writing this post and having it floating out in the ether will help me to remember.

=)

BATTLING A CRUDDY THOUGHT.

I had a big written list of limiting thoughts that were preventing me from starting this blog. I worked through it, reflecting on everything, and eventually got to a place where I’d confidently crossed off all but ONE

EVENTUALLY, I WILL RUN OUT OF INTERESTING THINGS TO WRITE ABOUT!

Photo by Brandi Redd

This thought burrowed into my mind and set up freaking camp. It felt like a bad commercial jingle that got stuck in my head, just looping and looping (I’ve heard this phenomenon referred to as an “ear worm,” which is the perfect name for it). No matter what I did, no matter how many ideas for posts I came up with, I couldn’t shake it.

My head was really being messed with.

I decided that the best thing for me to do would be to stop thinking about blogging and writing for a while. During that time, if a blog post idea popped into my head, I’d bat it away. That seems counter productive, but I wanted to make sure that I got enough distance from it all so that I could break the obnoxious loop.

RESUME BLOG WORK” day rolled around (because yes, I had made an official entry in my calendar). I sat with my journal and thought about the 2 weeks that had passed. I thought about the conversations I had, the things I’d learned, the movies I watched, the walks I took with my boyfriend, and so on and so forth.

A warm and fuzzy realization suddenly settled into my being. It wasn’t so much one specific thought, but a group of thoughts all coming to the same [warm, fuzzy] conclusion. I wrote them down as they surfaced. 

  • Infinite.
  • There’s an enormous number of things for me to experience.
  • My mind/awareness is a deep well that grows deeper every day as I experience and learn more.
  • I once read that your creativity is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets.
  • I encompass too much. I can’t run out of things to write about.
Photo by Harli Marten

I knew all I needed to know. There are SOOO MANY things to write about and more importantly, SOOO MANY ways to write about those things.

I was relieved. I’d kicked that sucker to the curb.

Sometimes, a thought is just a thought. It enters the mind for NO specific reason, and may have absolutely nothing to do with what you know to be true. I think in this case, it was like my mind’s last ditch effort to keep me from doing something new. Whatever the reason was, I didn’t have to listen.

I will be honest, sometimes it feels as though that thought is still kinda hanging out in the periphery of my mind, waiting to strike when I find myself in a low moment… but now I know how to smash it.

=)

Falling off-track!

Just some thoughts.

Before July 4th, I felt on and present and motivated. Then, the holiday and beachy time away that followed created a [fun] disruption in my routine, as did my [awesome] bridal shower this past weekend.

I like to reflect on instances like this because maybe then I can prevent Future Me from falling off-track again. So, the question is…. why do I seem to fall off-track even when the circumstances and my state of mind are positive?

The answer is… I give myself permission to. A switch seems to get flipped in my head sometimes when out-of-the-ordinary things are coming down the pike.

Oh, my bridal shower is coming up this weekend? I must think of nothing but that for the next few days so that I can mentally and physically prepare myself for it! Laundry needs doing? Nah– I will get it done after the shower.

Oh, we are going away this weekend? Welp, no point in cleaning the apartment now. And no point in following my usual routine if I’m in a different environment! That can all wait ’til I come back!

(EYE ROLL)

I’m all for allowing myself to chill and take a step back sometimes from routine, but I need to quit giving myself permission to do it at the drop of a hat. I sell myself short, really. I allow this weird self-talk to enter and convince myself that there’s not enough brain power in there to handle all of these situations all at once.

I know I’m better than that. There is no need for me to allow these disruptions in my routine. I can handle plenty. I have handled plenty.

Onward!

=)

Stalled.

I was so motivated and focused all of last week and through the weekend. I felt generally hopeful, I felt like my creative juices were flowing; I was generally buzzing.

Today, I woke up feeling … none of that. It all just dissolved. Nothing happened between last night and this morning to trigger this (I mean, was asleep). I woke up, and I just felt like I’d suddenly stalled.

When this happens, and it happens to me quite often, I nearly always spiral. The cruddy thoughts slither in and they just keep on slitherin’…

“Told you it wouldn’t last.”

“This always happens.”

“Your motivation always fizzles out. Always. Why are you even surprised?

Admittedly, I’ve grown accustomed to listening to these thoughts when they pop up. It sucks. It is also the #1 reason that I’ve always found it very hard to make changes in my life. Big or small. The second I stall, I allow my awareness to focus on the fact that I’ve stalled, and then I just turn inward and drown in my cruddy self-talk.

I will not give out tips on how to deal with this. I’m slowly finding ways, and I would love to share them some other time, but that isn’t the point of this post. I wanted to write about this simply because it happened. Finding my way to a better self requires that I continue coming terms with my bullshit whenever it presents itself.

=)

Starting somewhere.

Yesterday at work, I had to get up to do something after I’d been sitting at the computer for roughly 30 mins straight. Truthfully, I barely remember the task I needed to get up to accomplish, but I do remember the energy it took to get out of the damn chair. I also remember the thoughts going through my head right before I got up. I’d been trying to convince myself that I didn’t need to get up just then…

“You can probably just do it later, it doesn’t need to get done now.”

“Maybe you can ask so-and-so to do it, it doesn’t really have to be you.”

“I am just tired, I didn’t sleep very well last night, I should give myself a break!”

Wow. It’s remarkable what my brain will come up with to keep me from doing things that I have to do. Is it laziness? Some might call it that, but I don’t. I know lazy, I’ve been lazy, and these instances are not instances of lazy for me. It is a fear of beginning. No matter how simple the task, no matter how quickly it can be completed, I just don’t want to begin it because it’s new and it’s different from the now.

I launched myself out of the chair with so much force; it felt as if the chair itself came alive and was throwing me off of it. I said “OH SHUT UP” to those hesitant, fearful thoughts buzzing around my mind and forced myself up. And then everything was fine. The whole experience was probably about 8 seconds from start to finish, but it stuck with me because it is such a perfect example of beginnings.

I want this blog to be a genuine reflection and expression of one person launching themselves up and out of their comfort zones (of which there are many) in order to change into the person they want to be. It’s happening little by little, but it is happening.

=)