By the time I turned 30, I had a collection of about 9 journals. Between the 9 journals, spanning 20-ish years, I’d say there was maybe 13 full pages of actual writing.
I was 6 or 7 when I got my first diary. Part of what made me want to start in the first place was the romanticism I saw in it. I’d see girls in movies lying on their bed with their diary, pouring their hearts out onto the page. It looked like so much fun! It was like a club that I wanted to be a part of.
So many pretty journals later, the habit just wasn’t sticking. Part of my problem was that I’d sit down to write, and I’d think way too hard about what I was writing. I wanted to sound elegant and mature and interesting. It’s as if I expected someone to read it at some point, and I wanted them to be impressed. For these reasons, the practice never felt authentic or helpful to me, so I kept giving up.
I’d nearly given up on the idea of ever being a person who journals when out of nowhere, last September, I had a breakthrough. One day, I was feeling so bogged down by my thoughts and emotions that I grabbed a legal pad and just started listing each one. I didn’t overthink, I just listed. It looked a something like this:
- I feel so out of control
- I am so tired, I haven’t slept well in a week
- I have no physical energy but my mind is racing
- I feel so overwhelmed by all of the things we need to do for the wedding
- Why can’t I get a grip? Where did this come from?
- I wish I could just run away and be completely alone for a few days
- What can I do to make this better?
- Should I talk to my mom about it? She’s already stressed, I don’t want to burden her.
I think I took up about 4 full legal pad pages.
I’d been doing “mind-sweeps” every so often for months before that (à la GTD) but that was always for tasks that needed accomplishing. It never occurred to me to use it in this way. I felt so inspired! From that point on, I would sit down almost every day and write in this way. I’d simply list my feelings and never gave a crap about how I sounded. After a while, I gradually moved from listing to writing more traditional entries. Though I do still like to use the list technique from time to time, especially when I’m feeling mentally clogged.
It took years for me to hear my inner voice and just let her rip. She’s not always forthcoming, though. Sometimes the words don’t seem to come, but it’s okay. If that happens, I’ll simply write something like “I don’t have much to say, I’m feeling a bit blank at the moment. I wonder why that is.” I never force it. And that’s the key for me, it seems.
=)
Slow To Change 