I was so motivated and focused all of last week and through the weekend. I felt generally hopeful, I felt like my creative juices were flowing; I was generally buzzing.
Today, I woke up feeling … none of that. It all just dissolved. Nothing happened between last night and this morning to trigger this (I mean, was asleep). I woke up, and I just felt like I’d suddenly stalled.
When this happens, and it happens to me quite often, I nearly always spiral. The cruddy thoughts slither in and they just keep on slitherin’…
“Told you it wouldn’t last.”
“This always happens.”
“Your motivation always fizzles out. Always. Why are you even surprised?“
Admittedly, I’ve grown accustomed to listening to these thoughts when they pop up. It sucks. It is also the #1 reason that I’ve always found it very hard to make changes in my life. Big or small. The second I stall, I allow my awareness to focus on the fact that I’ve stalled, and then I just turn inward and drown in my cruddy self-talk.
I will not give out tips on how to deal with this. I’m slowly finding ways, and I would love to share them some other time, but that isn’t the point of this post. I wanted to write about this simply because it happened. Finding my way to a better self requires that I continue coming terms with my bullshit whenever it presents itself.
Yesterday at work, I had to get up to do something after I’d been sitting at the computer for roughly 30 mins straight. Truthfully, I barely remember the task I needed to get up to accomplish, but I do remember the energy it took to get out of the damn chair. I also remember the thoughts going through my head right before I got up. I’d been trying to convince myself that I didn’t need to get up just then…
“You can probably just do it later, it doesn’t need to get done now.”
“Maybe you can ask so-and-so to do it, it doesn’t really have to be you.”
“I am just tired, I didn’t sleep very well last night, I should give myself a break!”
Wow. It’s remarkable what my brain will come up with to keep me from doing things that I have to do. Is it laziness? Some might call it that, but I don’t. I know lazy, I’ve been lazy, and these instances are not instances of lazy for me. It is a fear of beginning. No matter how simple the task, no matter how quickly it can be completed, I just don’t want to begin it because it’s new and it’s different from the now.
I launched myself out of the chair with so much force; it felt as if the chair itself came alive and was throwing me off of it. I said “OH SHUT UP” to those hesitant, fearful thoughts buzzing around my mind and forced myself up. And then everything was fine. The whole experience was probably about 8 seconds from start to finish, but it stuck with me because it is such a perfect example of beginnings.
I want this blog to be a genuine reflection and expression of one person launching themselves up and out of their comfort zones (of which there are many) in order to change into the person they want to be. It’s happening little by little, but it is happening.
Change happens slowly over time for most people, from what I’ve read and heard and seen. For whatever reason, though, I feel like I’m slower to change than most (feel being the operative word, I suppose).
I’m in my early 30s and only now have I begun to evolve in the ways I really want to evolve. Is it for lack of trying, or lack of self-awareness? Absolutely not, friend.
In this tiny corner of the internet, I’ll talk about my ongoing, frustratingly slow journey to becoming the person I’d like to be and how [great/shitty] it feels along the way. I’ll cover the fizzle-out moments, those delicious renewed-sense-of-purpose moments, the feeling-like-I-have-NO-purpose moments, the overwhelm, the small revelations, etc.
But why does this need to be is a blog?
Short answer: because I myself would love to read about someone else on a similar path, who feels the way I do, and how they go about dealing with it day after day. I have to assume at least a few other people would too.